3/16/13

I've sort of been out sightseeing. I've been to see a specialist...actually. And it's funny how you take things for granted. It's funny the things you take for granted. Sounds a bit like the same thing, but different.
I have been somewhere that normally I would have loved to get out and just be. I would have parked the car and walked and climbed stairs and took photos and enjoyed being out. Instead I had to remain in the passenger seat and stare out the window. I couldn't walk those stairs or rolling hills or meandering paths. And being pushed was out of the question, even if I was a lighter weight.... the chair I have isn't designed for that stuff.
The last time I walked up some stairs was taking my kiddos to a musical that we thoroughly enjoyed. Sitting in the passenger seat I was reminded of that and realizing that may have been the last time I ever will have climbed stairs. In a way that sounds stupid for someone to mourn that possible loss, but I do. I am not sure I will ever be able to do stairs again. My left half is pretty shot.
I am sick now and on antibiotics. Managed to catch some sort of crappy bug before my appointment. I'm not where they want me to be or think I should be at this point. This is distressing to me. It's distressing that I am sick on top of being sick and then not progressing along with where they all want me to be.
If I could go back when I was lots younger...I'm not sure what I could have said or done to change her. Perhaps I would have given her what she needed the most, someone that loved her.
I've spent so long on trying to heal the damage...hell recognizing the damage even. And now to be here? I can't fix this. The emotions that roll through are like a violent storm.
I see it in their expressions, when they look down or away or don't even respond. I hear it in the avoidance or lack of sound. In the words that are spoken and the actions that are taken. Will I still be here in two months? Why is this taking a path not typical?
I'm sick. My mom and grandmother, who have been having issues of their own, recently saw me. I'm unrecognizable. I look like I am dying. And unlike other time you know when you're sick and people encourage you... There was no hiding the reactions...
At the office, a questionnaire to assess how you are doing. On a scale of 1-5, how are you dealing with anxiety regarding your illness, with depression, with your emotions... Mostly I stuff them down and put on a stoic face. I don't share them much... except here...sort of and even then I don't share it all. I have a difficult time with feeling. Yet I circle that I am doing okay. Why is that?
I'm tired... I haven't slept in days.

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